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Flistie Challenge

Okay.  You all have heard me whining about how I can't write fic to save my life, and I'm afraid I'm about to prove it to you in a truly spectacular way, but when I went to look at the prompts for hp_crackdealers , I couldn't help myself.

I have written the start of a story based on this prompt:
PROMPT 26 (CLAIMED ONCE)
Characters and/or Pairings:  Severus Snape
A prompt: One night Snape has too much to drink. Hilarity ensues.
Notes: Can involve a pairing of your choosing, or just a genfic.

I will post what I've written below the cut, and, if anybody's interested, I'd like you all to help me finish it.   We could do this round-robin style, in which each person takes up where the previous one left off, or we could have a massive brainstorming chat session and do it all together.

What think you, flisties?  Can we make a crack-y silk purse out of this sow's ear?



Severus Snape did not drink.

It was a well-established fact that an inebriated spy was eventually a dead spy, and a drunken double-agent rarely made it out of the pub loo before being prematurely shuffled off of this mortal coil.

And if that wasn't enough to keep him sober, there were always the memories of his parents three (and on occasion, four) sheets to the wind.  There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd be any more sweet-tempered drunk than they were, and Merlin knew, he was a vicious enough bastard stone sober.  Or worse, he'd be a maudlin drunk like his father's brother and blubber all over the first unfortunate that didn't take one look at him and run screaming from the room.  Snivellus, indeed.  So, no.  Intoxication was right out.

That being the case, the earliest wandless, wordless magic he ever perfected was a spell to turn alcohol to water.  No liquid ever passed his lips without it.  It was a matter of self preservation.  In fact, it was such an established habit, that long after it had stopped being necessary it was as automatic a thing to do as sneering at stupidity.  Hell, he even cast the spell without thinking at the bloody tap water he rinsed his mouth with after brushing his teeth!

So why was it that as he stared at the papers which had come into his possession that morning, ten years after he'd disappeared from the British Wizarding world without a trace, he pulled that jug of absolute ethanol down from the solvent cabinet in his laboratory and was now well on his way to being truly, completely and spectacularly potted?

::casually tosses gauntlet to floor::

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
therealsnape
Oct. 22nd, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC)
A few more stitches in the sow's ear
It wasn't just because of the last phrase in the accompanying letter, ominous though it was.

You can expect me as soon as school breaks up; I look forward to spending some pleasant evenings in your company.

He had always thought, and he still held by his beliefs, that there was no excuse whatsoever for the lack of control, the maudlin tears, and the disgusting physical consequences of drunkenness. But if he would be forced to defend a drunk in a Wizengamot trial, he could think of one powerful argument that would win the case.

"Your Honour, Members of the Wizengamot, my client was under the most severe provocation. He was forced into polite society."

At this point, a collective gasp would go through the audience. He would pause briefly for full effect, bow his head in compassion, and add, "They made him spend pleasant evenings in company."

And there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.

The prospect was dire, true. It offered justification for alcoholic excesses, certainly. Chocolate was all very well as a cure against Dementors, but there were cases where it was powerless. This was such a case.

But the real dread, the ultimate horror, the point beyond which nothing but absolute ethanol stood between a man and barking madness, was at the very end of the letter.

The signature.
albalark
Oct. 23rd, 2010 03:40 pm (UTC)
Re: A few more stitches in the sow's ear
I *llooooovvvvvvveeeeee* this!

"Your Honour, Members of the Wizengamot, my client was under the most severe provocation. He was forced into polite society."

Hell, indeed for our poor Severus!

And there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house. hahahahahaha!

But the real dread, the ultimate horror, the point beyond which nothing but absolute ethanol stood between a man and barking madness, was at the very end of the letter.

The signature.


Wit, and an ebil cliffie, too! You rock, TRS! :-D
therealsnape
Oct. 23rd, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
Re: A few more stitches in the sow's ear
And now it's up to you! Whose signature is it? So far we're the only two mad enough to jump the band wagon.

(this means that possible side-effects of Nutella cake must be investigated - 4 flisties ate it so far, 2 are now barking)

I look forward to hearing whose signature it is - it's your story, I'm just riding along. But feel free to bounce the ball back to me at some point, if you'd like to turn it into a co-production.
Only if you want to, though. As I said, it's yours.
I'll track this post, just to make sure.
therealsnape
Oct. 22nd, 2010 07:54 pm (UTC)
My dear, that start of your story is excellent. See? You can write fic. You can do it brilliantly. I love the voice you give Snape.
It was a well-established fact that an inebriated spy was eventually a dead spy,
Great opening line.

Merlin knew, he was a vicious enough bastard stone sober. Just perfect.

it was as automatic a thing to do as sneering at stupidity utterly Snape.

I should have offered a mild suggestion, and let you write your great fic yourself. But (and this only happens with the very best of stories - I've tested the phenomenon on hundreds of fanfics, so draw your own conclusions, Oh Ebil Scientist) I immediately wanted to write a story of my own based on this. Just couldn't resist it.

So there. Please ignore completely; it's the only thing it's good for. Or, perhaps, scream, "No, you blasted idiot, what happens is ..." and write the rest.

But do go on writing, will you? Oh, and if you need to procrastinate (we authors usually do), hop over to Hoggywarty's Friday drinks. 29 comments on Writer's Insecurity. You'd fit in marvellously.
albalark
Oct. 23rd, 2010 03:54 pm (UTC)
::listens to chirping crickets::

See? You can write fic.

You, my dear, are apparently the only one who thinks so, but I love you for it. ::smishes::

Or perhaps, scream, "No, you blasted idiot, what happens is ..." and write the rest.

See, that's the problem. I saw the prompt, and something very like what you see here just leapt into my head, but with no idea where to take it from there, or how. I don't know what happens next, what those papers are, or anything else. :-( It's more like a super-prompt than anything . . . I'm generally pretty good at those. :-D

I'm sorry I missed the Friday drinks - I'll certainly be there next Friday! :-)
therealsnape
Oct. 24th, 2010 06:43 pm (UTC)
Just for the scientific records:
We now have 2 readers out of 2 who think you're a brilliant author about to happen.

And 3 out of 4 Nutella Cakes who are ... decidedly odd, and given to strange hobbies.
albalark
Oct. 25th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
We now have 2 readers out of 2 who think you're a brilliant author about to happen.

You'll notice that the rest of my flist has been tactfully silent, having attended to their mothers when they were told not to say anything if nothing nice could be said. XD

And 3 out of 4 Nutella Cakes who are ... decidedly odd

To be fair, I was pretty odd *before* the Nutella cake. Though I have been increasingly out of my mind since losing my Nutella sobriety. I'm thinking Nutella palmiers next (now you know I've gone completely mental if I'm considering making puff pastry!).

Edited at 2010-10-25 03:58 pm (UTC)
kellychambliss
Oct. 24th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
Okay. For starters, I never want to hear another word about your not being able to write. It's a damnable lie.

Second, I want to see another installment forthwith.

There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd be any more sweet-tempered drunk than they were, and Merlin knew, he was a vicious enough bastard stone sober

This sentence alone is as good a Snape line as I've ever read. You've got the man down. And you understand about how to pace a line, how to build to a finish.

I will make one tiny constructive criticism, or concrit as we say in the fanfic business, so that you will know I am giving an honest appraisal and not just being nice. (Like dear Sev, I'm never just nice.)

before being prematurely shuffled off of this mortal coil.

Should be the other way around: it's people who shuffle off the mortal coil, not the mortal coil that shuffles off people. Unless this is Severus making mistakes because of being well-on-the-way-to-inebriation, in which case, your subtly is brilliant and you can ignore your idiot commentator.

I know whose signature I want this to be, but it's your story, so I won't impose. There are actually several hilarious possibilities, of course.

If you're really and truly stuck after a week, maybe we can all come to some sort of challenge arrangement. But for the moment, I'm tossing the Quaffle back toward your Beater. The game is yours. (You'll find that it's a great way to spend meetings, scribbling industriously into a notebook as someone talks. They'll never know you're writing HP crack and not taking notes.

albalark
Oct. 25th, 2010 02:50 pm (UTC)
I never want to hear another word about your not being able to write. It's a damnable lie.

I suppose, if by 'write' you mean 'can string words together in a coherent enough fashion to not be mistaken for a bout of random loggorhea', you are correct. But if you mean 'can produce an intelligible plot, sustain characterization for more than a few paragraphs and come up with dialog which isn't trite enough to have come from the pen of a multiple 'Razzie' award winning scriptwriter', then it's no fib. What I've written here is a prompt, more than anything. It's the germ of an idea with NO clue of where it could go . . . it just popped into consciousness fully formed. It's a start, and a decent one - I'll admit to that :-) - but that's really all it is.

You've got the man down. And you understand about how to pace a line, how to build to a finish.

Is that what I'm doing? ::LOL:: I think you are giving me waaaayyy more credit than deserved. And, in truth, I don't really feel as if I *do* have Severus down. Superficial characterizations are easy - assemble all the tropes both canon and fanon, and pick a few. But getting below that surface, understanding him well enough that I'd know what he'd do if I put him in a certain situation, or the words he'd say to other people that would be believable and yet beyond the stereotype the way the best of you writers do? I am spoiled because I can recognize excellence,and that makes it impossible to continue when I can't meet that standard.

I have so many abortions on my computer that I'm surprised I'm not on the Fan Fic Right-to-Life's Murderer's Row, with fangirls picketing my house. (Oooo, okay, *that* was a ridiculous metaphor. :-P) I wasn't kidding when I said I've tried multiple times to write stories, and I've succeeded in on a few occasions: all short scene, no dialog, inner voice set pieces produced when something really moved me to do so. But every time I try to produce something more - and I've got some beginnings I really like - I run aground trying to figure out where the heck the thing is going, or getting into the heads of characters well enough that that voices and reactions are believably *them*.

Should be the other way around: it's people who shuffle off the mortal coil, not the mortal coil that shuffles off people. Unless this is Severus making mistakes because of being well-on-the-way-to-inebriation, in which case, your subtly is brilliant and you can ignore your idiot commentator.

The subject of 'shuffling off' was *supposed* to be 'drunken double agent', not 'mortal coil'. Sigh. There's nothing wrong with your perception nor I was I attempting to be subtle (oh, to be clever enough for that!) - it was my baroque sentence structure that confused you, and would have me as well, if hadn't known what I meant. Sigh. Maybe I should take back that bit about random loggorhea.

I know whose signature I want this to be, but it's your story, so I won't impose. There are actually several hilarious possibilities, of course.

Now *THAT* is utterly unfair. ::pouts:: The whole point of putting this out here was to help me move this story out of 'stalled and holding' - I *want* to pick your brains! Besides, it's NOT just my story anymore. Nyah. therealsnape has added to eet and wonderfully . . . the signature part was *her* idea, I just contributed the unquantified 'papers'. C'mon . . . tell me who this is. ::looks up at Kelly with huge, brimming puppy dog eyes she couldn't possibly resist::


pweez??</a>


Edited at 2010-10-26 12:47 am (UTC)
minervafestmods
Oct. 28th, 2010 05:10 pm (UTC)
Normally, I don't even like little dogs, but. . .awwww.

Once this week-and-a-half of hell (60+ papers, meetings, visiting poets) is over, I'll see if I can help Severus out...
kellychambliss
Oct. 28th, 2010 05:12 pm (UTC)
Oops -- it's, me, Kelly, above; I forgot I was signed in on the fest mods' account.
therealsnape
Nov. 6th, 2010 10:36 am (UTC)
My dear,

Are you still thinking about that signature?
Here's a few things you might want to take into account.

1. This person will be the second character in the fic, so choose someone you'll enjoy writing. It's enough that Severus suffers, his author should have a fun time.

2. If you want to be canon-compliant, it's someone who survived. And one can be canon-compliant and still regard the ludicrous Shrieking Shack nonsense. Of course Snape got out.

3. It will slightly determine the nature of the papers.
Kingsley? We're thinking of Post-War hero status, announcement of Order of Merlin, some such

Minerva? Offers the option of something Hogwarts-related. With a bit of Ministry thrown in? A seminar in his honour? Rehabilitation? She found out that he fiddled with the school money to stack away a neat little sum for his future life outside the British Wizarding World?
Or, private-life-wise, she found a diary that throws an unexpected light on their relationship (whatever you conceive that to be?)

Or someone else alltogether?
Just a few ideas - I won't pester you with comments after this one, so you can just ignore it if you'd rather not be a very talented (yes, Miss, you are!) author after all. But the start was so brilliant, it's worth continuing. And I'll be honoured to volunteer as a co-author.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )